Cancer Thoughts 8

Side Effects

Be forewarned that what you are about to read below will definitely come under the heading of to much information and I am sure you will wonder why I am sharing it. For me the reason is simple, I keep thinking I am prepared for what’s about to happen next and no matter how much I think I am, I am not at prepared. Writing about it, sharing it with others for me takes away the shame of it all. This battle is getting harder, and the mental part is starting to take its toll, I am already tired and don’t always feel like fighting and I am only at the end of the second week. The side effects are piling on and I need to get back into the game which right now is very hard when I all want to do is just give up.

Patty was out working in the garage getting ready for a garage sale on Saturday and thought I was a sleep so that is why she wasn’t around to help.

Friday night I went to bed felt normal and good and then all of sudden I woke up and was sick to my stomach like I have never been before. Like everyone else I do not like to throw up and want to maintain some dignity in my life, Friday night I didn’t care about anything so I laid a towel down on the bathroom floor there was a unopened bundle of toilet paper that I used for a pillow and I just laid on the floor and leaned over and threw up into the toilet until I couldn’t throw up anymore. Finally I banged on the wall and Patty came in and helped me it was a horrible experience for both Patty and me. When she came in she thought I had fell and passed out but we got through it, I am guessing that will not be the last experience like that.

The radiation has finally caused my throat to hurt beyond description, the question is always ask on a scale from 1 to 10 how bad is it, well it is way past 10. I can no longer swallow most anything soft bread or a scrambled egg is almost impossible to get down. My tongue has pain beyond belief and it feels like it is twice its size and my mouth is dry all the time. Everything taste like metallic cardboard, and it is like I have a salt pellet in my mouth all the time.

On Monday I received my daily shot of Amifostine and had a sever allergic reaction, throwing up, my blood pressure dropped in the he 80’s and they had to call 911, The paramedics came in gave me an IV, transported me to the hospital and I was give more medicine and test and threw up some more, finally about 4 PM I was stable enough to go home and my medical oncologist was contacted by the ER doc, and he ordered the Amifostine to be stopped. I will so miss the 2 minute shot into my stomach and red blotches, the pain, the itching. We are hoping that eliminating the Amifostine will lessen some of the reactions I have had to the treatment but who knows.

This has not been a good week and I miss my dog and it is only Wednesday. I am not sure what the rest of the week will bring and have been told that the 3rd chemo treatment is when the side effects hit the hardest. God knows what that will be I am planning for the worst and hoping for the best but at this point I think I am afraid of the best as well.

I would like to tell you something positive about my health but I just do not have anything for you.

What I do have is an incredible caregiver in my wife Patty who when I see I believe that everything will be OK. My family, friends, neighbors, have stepped up beyond anything I could ask for and I am a very lucky man to have the support, love and care from all of you.

No matter the struggle, no matter the pain, no matter how bad I feel I still choose to Fight On.

Wish me luck tomorrow and in the days following chemo. Be well

Love Michael