Cancer Thoughts 12

What is the face of Cancer? Is it the little kid whose chemo therapy has robbed him of his hair and his youth? Is it that of the young mother fighting breast cancer whose only concern is what is going to happen to my children? Or is it the father holding his daughters hand, praying that he can make it long enough to walk her down the isle? Is it you? Is it me? It is all of this and more.

My favorite 6 year old Madison Murr likes to use the word hideous and when she does, it is funny and a crack up. How is it that a word like hideous make us laugh and cancer makes us cry?

I am so angry at everything not all the time just some of the time. I want to go hang out and do stuff but I can’t, I can’t fix anything, I want to drive and go places and walk down the isles of Costco and buy stuff I don’t need, but I can’t, well if my wife drives me and make me promise to ride in one of those motorized carts she will take me, but that is like shopping with your mom, sorry moms but when your 55 and want to shop by yourself having your mom take you is no fun. Energy is only given to me by drugs, I can not eat, and I can not drink. I love going to lunch with my friends and I can not do that. My teeth feel like a bed of nails and every time my tongue touches one of them it jabs my tongue like a nail. I am so tired of this. If I take enough pain medication then it doesn’t hurt as much, but then I can’t concentrate, I can not write, I can’t get it out how I feel. I can not put my feelings and thoughts in to words.

I walk at night when the sun is not up, I miss the sun. One of the last good long walks I took was to Seal Beach along the river bed that has a channel full of ocean water that leads from our track right into Seal Beach and the Pacific Ocean. It was a Saturday morning and there was a Seal swimming back out to the ocean he or she was playing making noise, it was so cool I love walking along that river bed and cancer has robbed me of that.

OK enough negative stuff, I had chemo on yesterday and today I feel wonderful, life it good, I am hoping I still feel this good after radiation today. If so then I have some big plans like cleaning out my drawers and closet, whoop pee now that sounds like a big day, not as good as good as shopping at Costco with my mom I mean wife, but it will have to do.

I spoke to a friend of mine Bob Dearing and he reminded me that is says in bible that God would give me the strength to endure and to trust in god and even though he slays me I can trust him. When this all started Patty and I went to our priest Father Bob and I was so afraid of the radiation and I ask him what prayer could say that would help me relax when I am strapped in and get through it without so much panic? He said why you don’t try what I say, I trust in you God, the same advice one from a Baptist and a Catholic. How about that? Radiation is no big deal now, at least not while I am getting it, I am very comfortable on the table and trust in the radiation techs as well, they are good at what they do.

It is the Ray’s and Phillies in the world series, Cub fans are now all gone, The California contingent is swinging it support to the Phillies in protest of the Rays band wagon fans, 13,000 in the park a month ago and all of there Ray’s gear is new, what this sad day in baseball land, we are left with no other move than to root for the Phillies. I will say I do like the manager of the Rays I have glasses like his but now I am rethinking my glasses and may have to go to a new style.

November 4th is coming remember to vote, I for one will.

Wednesday, October 22nd 2008 as always I choose to Fight On.

Michael