Cancer Thoughts 13

Joseph Fort Newton said “We cannot tell what may happen to us in the strange medley of life. But we can decide what happens in us, how we take it, what we do with it-and that is what really counts in the end”.

My stepson Rick loaned me a book of quotations entitle “be the difference”, he gave this to me after he found out I have cancer and I know this is a special book to him, as his mother gave it to him when he was going through a personal crisis. I read this book daily and always seem to find inspiration and things to think about when I read it.

After reading the quote by Newton, it occurred to me, that writing and journaling is my attempt to make the decision to not let cancer define me. I recently heard Christina Applegate say “I am not a victim”; now in the last two months I can not count the number of times I have said that to someone, and I will say it again I am not a victim, I will not be victim.

Life is to short, I have been given a 5 month time out and I am 2 months into it, cancer may have its way me right now, and if cancer was a person it would be taunting me, telling me you think I am bad well look what your two best friends chemo and radiation is doing to you. I just made you sick they are doing there best to kill you. No cancer they are killing you and no matter how bad it seems we are winning and you are loosing, one day, one cell at a time.

I know I am not the first person to go through this, and I refuse to fight this battle silently. This is personal I can not be quite, I will not be quite.

It has become my personal mission, to make cancer personal to let others know they are not a victim, they must speak out. Everyone knows someone who has cancer, but you don’t really know them, everyone talks about cancer, about find a cure, pink ribbons, breast cancer and fight against cancer.

The first day, Patty and I found out, I told Patty, I don’t want to talk to anyone, no phone calls, no visitors, don’t talk to me about this. But then a few days latter I knew that would not be possible for me to hide from this, I had to talk about it to share my fears, to share my experiences, and I think that one decision has made this battle easier, Patty and I are not alone we are all in this battle and I know you are all in it with me. During this process my life is an open book, I do not want to hide from this, but to share it, expose the good, the bad and the pain. It all goes into who I am I will not let cancer define who I am, it will have a roll, but where and when I can I will be the leader. I will be my own best friend, I will follow my treatment plan and if I fail it will not be because I didn’t try. I eat well 2000 Calories a day, you can do the math 250 calories of well balance nutrition in each can, three in the morning, three in the afternoon and two at night 8 cans x 250 calories = 2000 calories, add water, sit back in the recliner and relax and watch as it disappears down the feeding tube into my stomach, eating to live not living to eat. Add water, an hour a day of exercise, you may call it a slow walk I call it exercise. Shower, shave each day and be on time for all of my appointments, I have never missed a treatment unless a doctor said no not today.

They want me to drink water through the mouth, but that extremely hard to do, a sip of water is hard to swallow and the pills are almost impossible and they are very small, if there anything I can try harder at swallowing the water. It is easy to get lazy even with this, it is so much easier to just pour the bottle of water down my feeding tube into my stomach and no pain involved. I like it when pain is optional and not mandatory, what I need to learn to do it get tough and go with the pain a little more.

It is 5:30AM and I am going for a walk, I am not sure what the day has in store for me, but I am getting off on a good start, I am beating the sun up and will be outside to say good morning when it arrives.

I still choose to Fight On.

Michael