Cancer Thoughts 25

Saturday March 7th
Today Patty and I went to a Head and Neck cancer support group we belong to. It is a place I like to go there are people just like me. There are women and men from all walks of life, and yet we are all different and we are all the same. We see each other once a month on a Saturday morning at USC medial center. We tell our stories, and I get to know other survivors of Head and Neck cancer that have made it more than 5 years see new people who have just been diagnosed and everything in-between. Caregivers come with us, because they are in this as well and they need support as well.

It is not a place to feel sorry for yourself; it is a place to realize you don’t have it so bad. It a place where you realize there is always someone who has it worse than you. So far I am one of the luck ones; I have only had chemo and radiation. Others have had that and multiple surgeries, and have had there cancer come back multiple times and they are there and they are fighting, surviving and getting better everyday. We talk and tell our stories, what is going on with us, ask questions and get answers to questions we didn’t think to ask. It is a group I never wanted to be part of, but I am so happy I am. Cancer took me there and the people I meet there keep me coming back.

Today I heard multiple stories of from my friends of how there PET scans came out negative, and they are cancer free, I heard the other side of it as well. This is important to me since I am having my PET scan Thursday March 12th at 8:30 AM. I would like to tell you that all of the time I think and know that my PET scan will be negative and I will be cancer free. But there are times when I think and feel that it is not going to be that way. The closer I get to the 12th the more I have thoughts of a result I do not want. I have to remind myself that I have had the best doctors, the best treatment, and I have done everything they have ask me to do. I have been a good patient, I have made sure to do my part, the doctors have done there part, they have radiated me; put poison in me in and called it chemo therapy. I never missed an appointment and yet here I am wondering if it has really been enough? I am so scared and I can not help it, I am trying so hard not to be, I know I need a positive attitude and I need to believe that the all they have done for me has killed the cancer. It is very hard to do. Sometimes I feel like I am trying to convince myself that everything is OK, like I am a child whistling in the dark trying to be brave and not scared to death.

The truth is most of the time, I know the doctors, the drugs, and the medical equipment have all done there job as I have. I know I am cancer free there is no other option for me to believe. While there are other options I choose to believe that they are not going to be part of my life.

I am going to need to write for the next few weeks until I get the results of the PET scan on Wednesday March 18th the PET scan is an adventure, getting ready for it, the preparation when you get there and the time it takes and with all of that they make you nuclear to do the scan. I would think I will write about it when it happens, until then I choose to Fight On.

Love Michael