Patty's Cancer Thoughts

http://cancerthoughts-sealbeachmichael.blogspot.com/

I write this because I am not sure that Michael will be able to write this week. You see since has last chemotherapy treatment this past Tuesday, he has been so very sick and so very tired. My heart is breaking for him. Sometime I see his smile come through, but usually I just see sadness in his face. This is a face that used to smile, but cancer changes that. I know this is only temporary I am counting down the days until this treatment is done. Because then each day should get a little brighter for him, a little less pain and my old Michael will return. Despite all the pain and sickness this cancer brings to him I am writing this to tell you what a caring person he is and what this man who is so sick did for ME today…. for the past two weeks he has talked about going to a support Group at USC campus. I thought that would be great for him and so of course I would take him. But his week came and he was just so very ill, I felt we would not be able to make it to the support group this time. The last 3 nights have been the worst; we have had no sleep only a few hours here and there. He has been sick to his stomach even when we have to drive to treatment he is sick the entire car ride; we have become very much attached to that little pink pail. This morning he said he still wanted to go to the support group. I asked are you sure you are up to it and he said yes. So I ran around got him his feeding since he hasn’t been able to eat much the last few days it was important that he get some nutrition into him. I went and got gas, tried to grab a slice of toast for myself and help Michael get going. I must admit as I am getting us ready to go I am thinking God I would just like to stay home there is no radiation today, maybe I could get an hour sleep, or maybe I could just watch some bad tv show and drink coffee, I felt like I really didn’t want to go. Not to mention I had no idea where we had to go so Michael would need to help by telling me what freeways to get on and off – we managed and got to USC campus in time for the meeting. On the drive there I watched Michael and I thought to myself you know he really is my hero because if I felt like he does I know there would be no way in heck I would drive all this way to listen to some people I don’t know talk, I would pull the covers over my head and just sleep, but that is not what he does as bad as he felt this was he knew important for his recovery.

As we arrived we were greeted by many lovely people all having some type of neck, throat or head cancer. As we sat down the meeting began and they told us today’s meeting is about thanking our caregivers. I immediately thought G r e a t… I needed this to be about him and cancer and how people like with cancer feel, to share their stories, not about the caregiver! I turned to Michael and said sorry, but he knew this was what the meeting was about, you see he had been exchanging emails with some of the persons who conduct the support group. The caregivers were given a potted flower and they went around the room saying thank you to each of us. Michael had written a thank you to me which he read and there was not a dry eye. It was very emotional and very touching. These people are very special at these support groups and they know just how you feel and what you are going through. It was much better than some bad tv 

You see in spite of the pain and sickness Michael is going through, no matter how sick he has been this week. He got up this morning, must have forced himself to go to that meeting, just because he is worried about me is concerned that I am ok and wanted to let me know how much he love me. I cannot put into words how touched I was, and felt a little guilty for thinking I wanted to just stay home today. A very good friend of mine once told me that “Michael was my big angle, here to take care of me” and I truly saw that today.

I am also touch each day by all the people who touch our lives with emails, phone calls, cards, prayer… Thank you does not express how I feel.

Patty