On Christmas day I removed my final Fentanyl patch today is third day without it and it is a whorl wind dealing with the withdrawal symptoms, sick to my stomach, can’t sleep, and I am restless and don’t know what to do with myself. Each day it gets a little better no matter what there is no way I am putting on another Fentanyl patch. If you look up Fentanyl up on the Internet there are horror stories about people trying and not being able to get off it. I will make it. I have Vicodin to get me over the hump while I get over the withdrawal symptoms from the Fentanyl I hope a week does but how ever long it takes I will make it. A full night sleep would be nice, I am not sure the last time I slept all night, you can be sure that is one thing I look forward to.
I am starting to try food out a few bites of scrambled eggs, pudding; eating food is the next challenge.
My tongue, throat and mouth still hurt not like it did but it still hurts. It is still the effects of the radiation and it has been 3 weeks since I had radiation. Dr. Kwan my radiation oncologist told Patty and me it could take two months to recover from the radiation effects. I certainly hope not. I wish there was a way to speed up the process.
The next steps are follow-up visits to the doctors in January. Back to work on February 2nd which I can not wait for. Sometime in late February or March I will have a PET scan and that will tell the story if I am cancer free. If anything shows up on the Scan I will have surgery to remove it if it is clear then just regular follow-ups. Thinking about this is just a little too much for me right now so I will wait until the time comes.
Happy New Year to all of you and your families, God bless you all I hope 2009 is a healthy and healing year for all of us.
I for one will continue to Fight On!
Love Michael
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Cancer Thoughts 18
From no updates in months to two updates in a week, it has been a good week so far.
First Patty and I walked Monday night not far but far enough, and then we followed it up by walking just a little farther tonight. It is not much but it is a start and up to me to continue it the more I walk, the farther I walk, the stronger I become and that has got to help. You are walking with me, not in person but in spirit we have started with a block did and then a block and little bit.
At the start when I first started writing the Blog I used it as motivation to stay strong as long as I could. I think about what I want to say and then I write it down and send it out to you. Now I have told someone that I would do something and I feel obligated to do it. You are all walking with me, I have a goal; two laps around the complex which is 1.4 miles once that is done for 5 nights in a row then I will go from there.
The second thing is I am on my second eight ounce bottle of water today, it has taken all day but I am swallowing water and that is a big deal when I can do that without it hurting my throat then I know I can start eating and that is key to my recovery. Food and water eating to live, I am not sure when that will start but I have to believe it will.
I feel very positive today and wanted to share that with you. Merry Christmas to Everyone,. Sunday night a lot of my neighbors came to our house caroling it was wonderful thank you for being there for me, for letting me know I am not going through this alone.
Be well and I still choose to Fight On!
First Patty and I walked Monday night not far but far enough, and then we followed it up by walking just a little farther tonight. It is not much but it is a start and up to me to continue it the more I walk, the farther I walk, the stronger I become and that has got to help. You are walking with me, not in person but in spirit we have started with a block did and then a block and little bit.
At the start when I first started writing the Blog I used it as motivation to stay strong as long as I could. I think about what I want to say and then I write it down and send it out to you. Now I have told someone that I would do something and I feel obligated to do it. You are all walking with me, I have a goal; two laps around the complex which is 1.4 miles once that is done for 5 nights in a row then I will go from there.
The second thing is I am on my second eight ounce bottle of water today, it has taken all day but I am swallowing water and that is a big deal when I can do that without it hurting my throat then I know I can start eating and that is key to my recovery. Food and water eating to live, I am not sure when that will start but I have to believe it will.
I feel very positive today and wanted to share that with you. Merry Christmas to Everyone,. Sunday night a lot of my neighbors came to our house caroling it was wonderful thank you for being there for me, for letting me know I am not going through this alone.
Be well and I still choose to Fight On!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Cancer Thoughts 15
It has been a while since I sent anything out; I have written some updates but just have not sent them, they were too negative and were the same complaints over and over.
But there is an update all the treatments have been completed for the last 2 weeks. The side effects of the radiation are still with me, especially the damage to my tongue and throat that is still causing me some issues. Patty and I met with my oncologist toady and he said they will heal it will just take some time.
The issues I have now are from pain medication they are giving me to control the pain. We saw the Surgeon and my oncologist last week and they were both encouraging that they thought everything was going as it should be.
It is Saturday and I am off of everything but the Fentanyl patch and the Vicodin and that is changing fast. I took the Vicodin every 4 hours without fail, now I am using it two or three times a day once the sores inside my mouth, throat and on my tongue heal we will eliminate the Fentanyl completely and use the Vicodin as needed for a few days. I am hoping to be medicine free by New Year’s Day and then driving again the second week of January. That is my plans, but I have found that my plans do not always work out.
For all of this to happen I have to be able to swallow water and liquids first which I can do a little at this time. I will also have to be able to eat food by mouth. The doctors will not give me a time line when they think this will happen but all of them have told me when my mouth, tongue and throat heal getting off the pain medication, drinking, and eating small amounts of bland food will happen along with it.
When this all started I weighed 250 pounds and was a XXL now I am wearing a size Large and 200 pounds, the weight loss is amazing, the doctor does not want me to loose any more weight and I don’t either.
Today is Sunday, December 21, 2008 it is about 3:00 in the afternoon I have had no Vicodin today and I am hoping to get through the day without it. One more baby step on the way to recovery, for now we are taking it as it comes and that seems to be a minute at a time.
When this all started exercise was part of my daily routine, as the side effects of the radiation and chemo took there toll I could no longer exercise. I think that is turning around now and we Patty and I are going to start walking again; I will let you know next week how that goes.
Be well I still choose to Fight On.
Love Michael
But there is an update all the treatments have been completed for the last 2 weeks. The side effects of the radiation are still with me, especially the damage to my tongue and throat that is still causing me some issues. Patty and I met with my oncologist toady and he said they will heal it will just take some time.
The issues I have now are from pain medication they are giving me to control the pain. We saw the Surgeon and my oncologist last week and they were both encouraging that they thought everything was going as it should be.
It is Saturday and I am off of everything but the Fentanyl patch and the Vicodin and that is changing fast. I took the Vicodin every 4 hours without fail, now I am using it two or three times a day once the sores inside my mouth, throat and on my tongue heal we will eliminate the Fentanyl completely and use the Vicodin as needed for a few days. I am hoping to be medicine free by New Year’s Day and then driving again the second week of January. That is my plans, but I have found that my plans do not always work out.
For all of this to happen I have to be able to swallow water and liquids first which I can do a little at this time. I will also have to be able to eat food by mouth. The doctors will not give me a time line when they think this will happen but all of them have told me when my mouth, tongue and throat heal getting off the pain medication, drinking, and eating small amounts of bland food will happen along with it.
When this all started I weighed 250 pounds and was a XXL now I am wearing a size Large and 200 pounds, the weight loss is amazing, the doctor does not want me to loose any more weight and I don’t either.
Today is Sunday, December 21, 2008 it is about 3:00 in the afternoon I have had no Vicodin today and I am hoping to get through the day without it. One more baby step on the way to recovery, for now we are taking it as it comes and that seems to be a minute at a time.
When this all started exercise was part of my daily routine, as the side effects of the radiation and chemo took there toll I could no longer exercise. I think that is turning around now and we Patty and I are going to start walking again; I will let you know next week how that goes.
Be well I still choose to Fight On.
Love Michael
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Patty's Cancer Thoughts
http://cancerthoughts-sealbeachmichael.blogspot.com/
I write this because I am not sure that Michael will be able to write this week. You see since has last chemotherapy treatment this past Tuesday, he has been so very sick and so very tired. My heart is breaking for him. Sometime I see his smile come through, but usually I just see sadness in his face. This is a face that used to smile, but cancer changes that. I know this is only temporary I am counting down the days until this treatment is done. Because then each day should get a little brighter for him, a little less pain and my old Michael will return. Despite all the pain and sickness this cancer brings to him I am writing this to tell you what a caring person he is and what this man who is so sick did for ME today…. for the past two weeks he has talked about going to a support Group at USC campus. I thought that would be great for him and so of course I would take him. But his week came and he was just so very ill, I felt we would not be able to make it to the support group this time. The last 3 nights have been the worst; we have had no sleep only a few hours here and there. He has been sick to his stomach even when we have to drive to treatment he is sick the entire car ride; we have become very much attached to that little pink pail. This morning he said he still wanted to go to the support group. I asked are you sure you are up to it and he said yes. So I ran around got him his feeding since he hasn’t been able to eat much the last few days it was important that he get some nutrition into him. I went and got gas, tried to grab a slice of toast for myself and help Michael get going. I must admit as I am getting us ready to go I am thinking God I would just like to stay home there is no radiation today, maybe I could get an hour sleep, or maybe I could just watch some bad tv show and drink coffee, I felt like I really didn’t want to go. Not to mention I had no idea where we had to go so Michael would need to help by telling me what freeways to get on and off – we managed and got to USC campus in time for the meeting. On the drive there I watched Michael and I thought to myself you know he really is my hero because if I felt like he does I know there would be no way in heck I would drive all this way to listen to some people I don’t know talk, I would pull the covers over my head and just sleep, but that is not what he does as bad as he felt this was he knew important for his recovery.
As we arrived we were greeted by many lovely people all having some type of neck, throat or head cancer. As we sat down the meeting began and they told us today’s meeting is about thanking our caregivers. I immediately thought G r e a t… I needed this to be about him and cancer and how people like with cancer feel, to share their stories, not about the caregiver! I turned to Michael and said sorry, but he knew this was what the meeting was about, you see he had been exchanging emails with some of the persons who conduct the support group. The caregivers were given a potted flower and they went around the room saying thank you to each of us. Michael had written a thank you to me which he read and there was not a dry eye. It was very emotional and very touching. These people are very special at these support groups and they know just how you feel and what you are going through. It was much better than some bad tv
You see in spite of the pain and sickness Michael is going through, no matter how sick he has been this week. He got up this morning, must have forced himself to go to that meeting, just because he is worried about me is concerned that I am ok and wanted to let me know how much he love me. I cannot put into words how touched I was, and felt a little guilty for thinking I wanted to just stay home today. A very good friend of mine once told me that “Michael was my big angle, here to take care of me” and I truly saw that today.
I am also touch each day by all the people who touch our lives with emails, phone calls, cards, prayer… Thank you does not express how I feel.
Patty
I write this because I am not sure that Michael will be able to write this week. You see since has last chemotherapy treatment this past Tuesday, he has been so very sick and so very tired. My heart is breaking for him. Sometime I see his smile come through, but usually I just see sadness in his face. This is a face that used to smile, but cancer changes that. I know this is only temporary I am counting down the days until this treatment is done. Because then each day should get a little brighter for him, a little less pain and my old Michael will return. Despite all the pain and sickness this cancer brings to him I am writing this to tell you what a caring person he is and what this man who is so sick did for ME today…. for the past two weeks he has talked about going to a support Group at USC campus. I thought that would be great for him and so of course I would take him. But his week came and he was just so very ill, I felt we would not be able to make it to the support group this time. The last 3 nights have been the worst; we have had no sleep only a few hours here and there. He has been sick to his stomach even when we have to drive to treatment he is sick the entire car ride; we have become very much attached to that little pink pail. This morning he said he still wanted to go to the support group. I asked are you sure you are up to it and he said yes. So I ran around got him his feeding since he hasn’t been able to eat much the last few days it was important that he get some nutrition into him. I went and got gas, tried to grab a slice of toast for myself and help Michael get going. I must admit as I am getting us ready to go I am thinking God I would just like to stay home there is no radiation today, maybe I could get an hour sleep, or maybe I could just watch some bad tv show and drink coffee, I felt like I really didn’t want to go. Not to mention I had no idea where we had to go so Michael would need to help by telling me what freeways to get on and off – we managed and got to USC campus in time for the meeting. On the drive there I watched Michael and I thought to myself you know he really is my hero because if I felt like he does I know there would be no way in heck I would drive all this way to listen to some people I don’t know talk, I would pull the covers over my head and just sleep, but that is not what he does as bad as he felt this was he knew important for his recovery.
As we arrived we were greeted by many lovely people all having some type of neck, throat or head cancer. As we sat down the meeting began and they told us today’s meeting is about thanking our caregivers. I immediately thought G r e a t… I needed this to be about him and cancer and how people like with cancer feel, to share their stories, not about the caregiver! I turned to Michael and said sorry, but he knew this was what the meeting was about, you see he had been exchanging emails with some of the persons who conduct the support group. The caregivers were given a potted flower and they went around the room saying thank you to each of us. Michael had written a thank you to me which he read and there was not a dry eye. It was very emotional and very touching. These people are very special at these support groups and they know just how you feel and what you are going through. It was much better than some bad tv
You see in spite of the pain and sickness Michael is going through, no matter how sick he has been this week. He got up this morning, must have forced himself to go to that meeting, just because he is worried about me is concerned that I am ok and wanted to let me know how much he love me. I cannot put into words how touched I was, and felt a little guilty for thinking I wanted to just stay home today. A very good friend of mine once told me that “Michael was my big angle, here to take care of me” and I truly saw that today.
I am also touch each day by all the people who touch our lives with emails, phone calls, cards, prayer… Thank you does not express how I feel.
Patty
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Cancer Thoughts 14
http://cancerthoughts-sealbeachmichael.blogspot.com/
I usually just sit down and start writing and the words flow, I write about what happened, how I feel and the words come out. I made the decision to try and just write about positive stuff. To limit how and what I think seems to have created writers block. Wikipedia defines Writer's block as a phenomenon involving temporary loss of ability to begin or continue writing, usually due to lack of inspiration or creativity, I think I just need to start writing and see what come out and just tell my story, which seems to change day to day and sometimes hour to hour depending on how I feel, but I think everyone must has mood swings, cancer seems intensify those mood swings.
Chemo showed me its bad side over the weekend I think I am throwing up more. There are times when I feel like I can’ move, times when I really do not care at all and all I want to do is sleep, in-between all of that I feel OK.
It is Tuesday so that makes it chemo day, I just got home for radiation and am I having lunch, I think I know how a pet feels now who has a good pet owner, I get the same thing every day for every meal, I have to admit I am not hungry so what more can you ask for. I have the same schedule, wake up and Patty has my breakfast ready, the exact same thing I had the day before, get up shave not much to shave since I have lost all of my whisker’s except for my sideburns, Patty cleans the area around where my feeding tube goes into my stomach. If it is chemo day I take the drugs for chemo, if not then straight to my chair and watch TV and wait for 10:15 at which time I go to radiation, we are home by 11:30 or so and lunch. I have the same thing as breakfast. On Chemo days at 1:00 we go to go chemo, Patty drops me off and I call about 30 minutes before I am done and she comes and picks me up and then home for the night.
Now the good part comes dinner, I can’t wait for dinner I just know it is going to be the best, wait oh my can it be? No it is just like all the other meals, did I tell you it is filling? Somewhere between 7 and 8 we walk, Patty trying to limit how far we go, me pushing to go farther. I told you it is kind of like a dog’s life, the only difference sometimes I go by myself and then I go and go and then go home. Patty worries about me pushing myself to hard and I worry about not pushing myself hard enough. Her problem is she thinks like woman and a caregiver. She thinks my problem is I think like a man. Imagine that a woman thinking different from a man, some things never change.
Please do not think I am treated like a pet, but it seemed funny to me when I draw all the comparisons and they don’t like to leave me alone too much. Seriously one day our Krista, Justin, Madison, Logan and Landon came by and Patty was out to dinner with her sister Sandy. Now Madison is 6 and when they were getting ready to leave she told me and her mom and dad that her daddy was not leaving and he would stay until Patty and her Granny got back, She calls me Buddy and I had to tell her Buddy doesn’t need a babysitter, her daddy left with her and the family but she made sure Patty got an ear full, it was sweet coming from a 6 year old, what can I say, it is dog’s life.
November 4th is 7 days from now, if I can vote so can you, be well. I still choose to Fight on.
Michael
I usually just sit down and start writing and the words flow, I write about what happened, how I feel and the words come out. I made the decision to try and just write about positive stuff. To limit how and what I think seems to have created writers block. Wikipedia defines Writer's block as a phenomenon involving temporary loss of ability to begin or continue writing, usually due to lack of inspiration or creativity, I think I just need to start writing and see what come out and just tell my story, which seems to change day to day and sometimes hour to hour depending on how I feel, but I think everyone must has mood swings, cancer seems intensify those mood swings.
Chemo showed me its bad side over the weekend I think I am throwing up more. There are times when I feel like I can’ move, times when I really do not care at all and all I want to do is sleep, in-between all of that I feel OK.
It is Tuesday so that makes it chemo day, I just got home for radiation and am I having lunch, I think I know how a pet feels now who has a good pet owner, I get the same thing every day for every meal, I have to admit I am not hungry so what more can you ask for. I have the same schedule, wake up and Patty has my breakfast ready, the exact same thing I had the day before, get up shave not much to shave since I have lost all of my whisker’s except for my sideburns, Patty cleans the area around where my feeding tube goes into my stomach. If it is chemo day I take the drugs for chemo, if not then straight to my chair and watch TV and wait for 10:15 at which time I go to radiation, we are home by 11:30 or so and lunch. I have the same thing as breakfast. On Chemo days at 1:00 we go to go chemo, Patty drops me off and I call about 30 minutes before I am done and she comes and picks me up and then home for the night.
Now the good part comes dinner, I can’t wait for dinner I just know it is going to be the best, wait oh my can it be? No it is just like all the other meals, did I tell you it is filling? Somewhere between 7 and 8 we walk, Patty trying to limit how far we go, me pushing to go farther. I told you it is kind of like a dog’s life, the only difference sometimes I go by myself and then I go and go and then go home. Patty worries about me pushing myself to hard and I worry about not pushing myself hard enough. Her problem is she thinks like woman and a caregiver. She thinks my problem is I think like a man. Imagine that a woman thinking different from a man, some things never change.
Please do not think I am treated like a pet, but it seemed funny to me when I draw all the comparisons and they don’t like to leave me alone too much. Seriously one day our Krista, Justin, Madison, Logan and Landon came by and Patty was out to dinner with her sister Sandy. Now Madison is 6 and when they were getting ready to leave she told me and her mom and dad that her daddy was not leaving and he would stay until Patty and her Granny got back, She calls me Buddy and I had to tell her Buddy doesn’t need a babysitter, her daddy left with her and the family but she made sure Patty got an ear full, it was sweet coming from a 6 year old, what can I say, it is dog’s life.
November 4th is 7 days from now, if I can vote so can you, be well. I still choose to Fight on.
Michael
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Cancer Thoughts 13
Joseph Fort Newton said “We cannot tell what may happen to us in the strange medley of life. But we can decide what happens in us, how we take it, what we do with it-and that is what really counts in the end”.
My stepson Rick loaned me a book of quotations entitle “be the difference”, he gave this to me after he found out I have cancer and I know this is a special book to him, as his mother gave it to him when he was going through a personal crisis. I read this book daily and always seem to find inspiration and things to think about when I read it.
After reading the quote by Newton, it occurred to me, that writing and journaling is my attempt to make the decision to not let cancer define me. I recently heard Christina Applegate say “I am not a victim”; now in the last two months I can not count the number of times I have said that to someone, and I will say it again I am not a victim, I will not be victim.
Life is to short, I have been given a 5 month time out and I am 2 months into it, cancer may have its way me right now, and if cancer was a person it would be taunting me, telling me you think I am bad well look what your two best friends chemo and radiation is doing to you. I just made you sick they are doing there best to kill you. No cancer they are killing you and no matter how bad it seems we are winning and you are loosing, one day, one cell at a time.
I know I am not the first person to go through this, and I refuse to fight this battle silently. This is personal I can not be quite, I will not be quite.
It has become my personal mission, to make cancer personal to let others know they are not a victim, they must speak out. Everyone knows someone who has cancer, but you don’t really know them, everyone talks about cancer, about find a cure, pink ribbons, breast cancer and fight against cancer.
The first day, Patty and I found out, I told Patty, I don’t want to talk to anyone, no phone calls, no visitors, don’t talk to me about this. But then a few days latter I knew that would not be possible for me to hide from this, I had to talk about it to share my fears, to share my experiences, and I think that one decision has made this battle easier, Patty and I are not alone we are all in this battle and I know you are all in it with me. During this process my life is an open book, I do not want to hide from this, but to share it, expose the good, the bad and the pain. It all goes into who I am I will not let cancer define who I am, it will have a roll, but where and when I can I will be the leader. I will be my own best friend, I will follow my treatment plan and if I fail it will not be because I didn’t try. I eat well 2000 Calories a day, you can do the math 250 calories of well balance nutrition in each can, three in the morning, three in the afternoon and two at night 8 cans x 250 calories = 2000 calories, add water, sit back in the recliner and relax and watch as it disappears down the feeding tube into my stomach, eating to live not living to eat. Add water, an hour a day of exercise, you may call it a slow walk I call it exercise. Shower, shave each day and be on time for all of my appointments, I have never missed a treatment unless a doctor said no not today.
They want me to drink water through the mouth, but that extremely hard to do, a sip of water is hard to swallow and the pills are almost impossible and they are very small, if there anything I can try harder at swallowing the water. It is easy to get lazy even with this, it is so much easier to just pour the bottle of water down my feeding tube into my stomach and no pain involved. I like it when pain is optional and not mandatory, what I need to learn to do it get tough and go with the pain a little more.
It is 5:30AM and I am going for a walk, I am not sure what the day has in store for me, but I am getting off on a good start, I am beating the sun up and will be outside to say good morning when it arrives.
I still choose to Fight On.
Michael
My stepson Rick loaned me a book of quotations entitle “be the difference”, he gave this to me after he found out I have cancer and I know this is a special book to him, as his mother gave it to him when he was going through a personal crisis. I read this book daily and always seem to find inspiration and things to think about when I read it.
After reading the quote by Newton, it occurred to me, that writing and journaling is my attempt to make the decision to not let cancer define me. I recently heard Christina Applegate say “I am not a victim”; now in the last two months I can not count the number of times I have said that to someone, and I will say it again I am not a victim, I will not be victim.
Life is to short, I have been given a 5 month time out and I am 2 months into it, cancer may have its way me right now, and if cancer was a person it would be taunting me, telling me you think I am bad well look what your two best friends chemo and radiation is doing to you. I just made you sick they are doing there best to kill you. No cancer they are killing you and no matter how bad it seems we are winning and you are loosing, one day, one cell at a time.
I know I am not the first person to go through this, and I refuse to fight this battle silently. This is personal I can not be quite, I will not be quite.
It has become my personal mission, to make cancer personal to let others know they are not a victim, they must speak out. Everyone knows someone who has cancer, but you don’t really know them, everyone talks about cancer, about find a cure, pink ribbons, breast cancer and fight against cancer.
The first day, Patty and I found out, I told Patty, I don’t want to talk to anyone, no phone calls, no visitors, don’t talk to me about this. But then a few days latter I knew that would not be possible for me to hide from this, I had to talk about it to share my fears, to share my experiences, and I think that one decision has made this battle easier, Patty and I are not alone we are all in this battle and I know you are all in it with me. During this process my life is an open book, I do not want to hide from this, but to share it, expose the good, the bad and the pain. It all goes into who I am I will not let cancer define who I am, it will have a roll, but where and when I can I will be the leader. I will be my own best friend, I will follow my treatment plan and if I fail it will not be because I didn’t try. I eat well 2000 Calories a day, you can do the math 250 calories of well balance nutrition in each can, three in the morning, three in the afternoon and two at night 8 cans x 250 calories = 2000 calories, add water, sit back in the recliner and relax and watch as it disappears down the feeding tube into my stomach, eating to live not living to eat. Add water, an hour a day of exercise, you may call it a slow walk I call it exercise. Shower, shave each day and be on time for all of my appointments, I have never missed a treatment unless a doctor said no not today.
They want me to drink water through the mouth, but that extremely hard to do, a sip of water is hard to swallow and the pills are almost impossible and they are very small, if there anything I can try harder at swallowing the water. It is easy to get lazy even with this, it is so much easier to just pour the bottle of water down my feeding tube into my stomach and no pain involved. I like it when pain is optional and not mandatory, what I need to learn to do it get tough and go with the pain a little more.
It is 5:30AM and I am going for a walk, I am not sure what the day has in store for me, but I am getting off on a good start, I am beating the sun up and will be outside to say good morning when it arrives.
I still choose to Fight On.
Michael
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Cancer Thoughts 12
What is the face of Cancer? Is it the little kid whose chemo therapy has robbed him of his hair and his youth? Is it that of the young mother fighting breast cancer whose only concern is what is going to happen to my children? Or is it the father holding his daughters hand, praying that he can make it long enough to walk her down the isle? Is it you? Is it me? It is all of this and more.
My favorite 6 year old Madison Murr likes to use the word hideous and when she does, it is funny and a crack up. How is it that a word like hideous make us laugh and cancer makes us cry?
I am so angry at everything not all the time just some of the time. I want to go hang out and do stuff but I can’t, I can’t fix anything, I want to drive and go places and walk down the isles of Costco and buy stuff I don’t need, but I can’t, well if my wife drives me and make me promise to ride in one of those motorized carts she will take me, but that is like shopping with your mom, sorry moms but when your 55 and want to shop by yourself having your mom take you is no fun. Energy is only given to me by drugs, I can not eat, and I can not drink. I love going to lunch with my friends and I can not do that. My teeth feel like a bed of nails and every time my tongue touches one of them it jabs my tongue like a nail. I am so tired of this. If I take enough pain medication then it doesn’t hurt as much, but then I can’t concentrate, I can not write, I can’t get it out how I feel. I can not put my feelings and thoughts in to words.
I walk at night when the sun is not up, I miss the sun. One of the last good long walks I took was to Seal Beach along the river bed that has a channel full of ocean water that leads from our track right into Seal Beach and the Pacific Ocean. It was a Saturday morning and there was a Seal swimming back out to the ocean he or she was playing making noise, it was so cool I love walking along that river bed and cancer has robbed me of that.
OK enough negative stuff, I had chemo on yesterday and today I feel wonderful, life it good, I am hoping I still feel this good after radiation today. If so then I have some big plans like cleaning out my drawers and closet, whoop pee now that sounds like a big day, not as good as good as shopping at Costco with my mom I mean wife, but it will have to do.
I spoke to a friend of mine Bob Dearing and he reminded me that is says in bible that God would give me the strength to endure and to trust in god and even though he slays me I can trust him. When this all started Patty and I went to our priest Father Bob and I was so afraid of the radiation and I ask him what prayer could say that would help me relax when I am strapped in and get through it without so much panic? He said why you don’t try what I say, I trust in you God, the same advice one from a Baptist and a Catholic. How about that? Radiation is no big deal now, at least not while I am getting it, I am very comfortable on the table and trust in the radiation techs as well, they are good at what they do.
It is the Ray’s and Phillies in the world series, Cub fans are now all gone, The California contingent is swinging it support to the Phillies in protest of the Rays band wagon fans, 13,000 in the park a month ago and all of there Ray’s gear is new, what this sad day in baseball land, we are left with no other move than to root for the Phillies. I will say I do like the manager of the Rays I have glasses like his but now I am rethinking my glasses and may have to go to a new style.
November 4th is coming remember to vote, I for one will.
Wednesday, October 22nd 2008 as always I choose to Fight On.
Michael
My favorite 6 year old Madison Murr likes to use the word hideous and when she does, it is funny and a crack up. How is it that a word like hideous make us laugh and cancer makes us cry?
I am so angry at everything not all the time just some of the time. I want to go hang out and do stuff but I can’t, I can’t fix anything, I want to drive and go places and walk down the isles of Costco and buy stuff I don’t need, but I can’t, well if my wife drives me and make me promise to ride in one of those motorized carts she will take me, but that is like shopping with your mom, sorry moms but when your 55 and want to shop by yourself having your mom take you is no fun. Energy is only given to me by drugs, I can not eat, and I can not drink. I love going to lunch with my friends and I can not do that. My teeth feel like a bed of nails and every time my tongue touches one of them it jabs my tongue like a nail. I am so tired of this. If I take enough pain medication then it doesn’t hurt as much, but then I can’t concentrate, I can not write, I can’t get it out how I feel. I can not put my feelings and thoughts in to words.
I walk at night when the sun is not up, I miss the sun. One of the last good long walks I took was to Seal Beach along the river bed that has a channel full of ocean water that leads from our track right into Seal Beach and the Pacific Ocean. It was a Saturday morning and there was a Seal swimming back out to the ocean he or she was playing making noise, it was so cool I love walking along that river bed and cancer has robbed me of that.
OK enough negative stuff, I had chemo on yesterday and today I feel wonderful, life it good, I am hoping I still feel this good after radiation today. If so then I have some big plans like cleaning out my drawers and closet, whoop pee now that sounds like a big day, not as good as good as shopping at Costco with my mom I mean wife, but it will have to do.
I spoke to a friend of mine Bob Dearing and he reminded me that is says in bible that God would give me the strength to endure and to trust in god and even though he slays me I can trust him. When this all started Patty and I went to our priest Father Bob and I was so afraid of the radiation and I ask him what prayer could say that would help me relax when I am strapped in and get through it without so much panic? He said why you don’t try what I say, I trust in you God, the same advice one from a Baptist and a Catholic. How about that? Radiation is no big deal now, at least not while I am getting it, I am very comfortable on the table and trust in the radiation techs as well, they are good at what they do.
It is the Ray’s and Phillies in the world series, Cub fans are now all gone, The California contingent is swinging it support to the Phillies in protest of the Rays band wagon fans, 13,000 in the park a month ago and all of there Ray’s gear is new, what this sad day in baseball land, we are left with no other move than to root for the Phillies. I will say I do like the manager of the Rays I have glasses like his but now I am rethinking my glasses and may have to go to a new style.
November 4th is coming remember to vote, I for one will.
Wednesday, October 22nd 2008 as always I choose to Fight On.
Michael
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