http://cancerthoughts-sealbeachmichael.blogspot.com/
I write this because I am not sure that Michael will be able to write this week. You see since has last chemotherapy treatment this past Tuesday, he has been so very sick and so very tired. My heart is breaking for him. Sometime I see his smile come through, but usually I just see sadness in his face. This is a face that used to smile, but cancer changes that. I know this is only temporary I am counting down the days until this treatment is done. Because then each day should get a little brighter for him, a little less pain and my old Michael will return. Despite all the pain and sickness this cancer brings to him I am writing this to tell you what a caring person he is and what this man who is so sick did for ME today…. for the past two weeks he has talked about going to a support Group at USC campus. I thought that would be great for him and so of course I would take him. But his week came and he was just so very ill, I felt we would not be able to make it to the support group this time. The last 3 nights have been the worst; we have had no sleep only a few hours here and there. He has been sick to his stomach even when we have to drive to treatment he is sick the entire car ride; we have become very much attached to that little pink pail. This morning he said he still wanted to go to the support group. I asked are you sure you are up to it and he said yes. So I ran around got him his feeding since he hasn’t been able to eat much the last few days it was important that he get some nutrition into him. I went and got gas, tried to grab a slice of toast for myself and help Michael get going. I must admit as I am getting us ready to go I am thinking God I would just like to stay home there is no radiation today, maybe I could get an hour sleep, or maybe I could just watch some bad tv show and drink coffee, I felt like I really didn’t want to go. Not to mention I had no idea where we had to go so Michael would need to help by telling me what freeways to get on and off – we managed and got to USC campus in time for the meeting. On the drive there I watched Michael and I thought to myself you know he really is my hero because if I felt like he does I know there would be no way in heck I would drive all this way to listen to some people I don’t know talk, I would pull the covers over my head and just sleep, but that is not what he does as bad as he felt this was he knew important for his recovery.
As we arrived we were greeted by many lovely people all having some type of neck, throat or head cancer. As we sat down the meeting began and they told us today’s meeting is about thanking our caregivers. I immediately thought G r e a t… I needed this to be about him and cancer and how people like with cancer feel, to share their stories, not about the caregiver! I turned to Michael and said sorry, but he knew this was what the meeting was about, you see he had been exchanging emails with some of the persons who conduct the support group. The caregivers were given a potted flower and they went around the room saying thank you to each of us. Michael had written a thank you to me which he read and there was not a dry eye. It was very emotional and very touching. These people are very special at these support groups and they know just how you feel and what you are going through. It was much better than some bad tv
You see in spite of the pain and sickness Michael is going through, no matter how sick he has been this week. He got up this morning, must have forced himself to go to that meeting, just because he is worried about me is concerned that I am ok and wanted to let me know how much he love me. I cannot put into words how touched I was, and felt a little guilty for thinking I wanted to just stay home today. A very good friend of mine once told me that “Michael was my big angle, here to take care of me” and I truly saw that today.
I am also touch each day by all the people who touch our lives with emails, phone calls, cards, prayer… Thank you does not express how I feel.
Patty
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Cancer Thoughts 14
http://cancerthoughts-sealbeachmichael.blogspot.com/
I usually just sit down and start writing and the words flow, I write about what happened, how I feel and the words come out. I made the decision to try and just write about positive stuff. To limit how and what I think seems to have created writers block. Wikipedia defines Writer's block as a phenomenon involving temporary loss of ability to begin or continue writing, usually due to lack of inspiration or creativity, I think I just need to start writing and see what come out and just tell my story, which seems to change day to day and sometimes hour to hour depending on how I feel, but I think everyone must has mood swings, cancer seems intensify those mood swings.
Chemo showed me its bad side over the weekend I think I am throwing up more. There are times when I feel like I can’ move, times when I really do not care at all and all I want to do is sleep, in-between all of that I feel OK.
It is Tuesday so that makes it chemo day, I just got home for radiation and am I having lunch, I think I know how a pet feels now who has a good pet owner, I get the same thing every day for every meal, I have to admit I am not hungry so what more can you ask for. I have the same schedule, wake up and Patty has my breakfast ready, the exact same thing I had the day before, get up shave not much to shave since I have lost all of my whisker’s except for my sideburns, Patty cleans the area around where my feeding tube goes into my stomach. If it is chemo day I take the drugs for chemo, if not then straight to my chair and watch TV and wait for 10:15 at which time I go to radiation, we are home by 11:30 or so and lunch. I have the same thing as breakfast. On Chemo days at 1:00 we go to go chemo, Patty drops me off and I call about 30 minutes before I am done and she comes and picks me up and then home for the night.
Now the good part comes dinner, I can’t wait for dinner I just know it is going to be the best, wait oh my can it be? No it is just like all the other meals, did I tell you it is filling? Somewhere between 7 and 8 we walk, Patty trying to limit how far we go, me pushing to go farther. I told you it is kind of like a dog’s life, the only difference sometimes I go by myself and then I go and go and then go home. Patty worries about me pushing myself to hard and I worry about not pushing myself hard enough. Her problem is she thinks like woman and a caregiver. She thinks my problem is I think like a man. Imagine that a woman thinking different from a man, some things never change.
Please do not think I am treated like a pet, but it seemed funny to me when I draw all the comparisons and they don’t like to leave me alone too much. Seriously one day our Krista, Justin, Madison, Logan and Landon came by and Patty was out to dinner with her sister Sandy. Now Madison is 6 and when they were getting ready to leave she told me and her mom and dad that her daddy was not leaving and he would stay until Patty and her Granny got back, She calls me Buddy and I had to tell her Buddy doesn’t need a babysitter, her daddy left with her and the family but she made sure Patty got an ear full, it was sweet coming from a 6 year old, what can I say, it is dog’s life.
November 4th is 7 days from now, if I can vote so can you, be well. I still choose to Fight on.
Michael
I usually just sit down and start writing and the words flow, I write about what happened, how I feel and the words come out. I made the decision to try and just write about positive stuff. To limit how and what I think seems to have created writers block. Wikipedia defines Writer's block as a phenomenon involving temporary loss of ability to begin or continue writing, usually due to lack of inspiration or creativity, I think I just need to start writing and see what come out and just tell my story, which seems to change day to day and sometimes hour to hour depending on how I feel, but I think everyone must has mood swings, cancer seems intensify those mood swings.
Chemo showed me its bad side over the weekend I think I am throwing up more. There are times when I feel like I can’ move, times when I really do not care at all and all I want to do is sleep, in-between all of that I feel OK.
It is Tuesday so that makes it chemo day, I just got home for radiation and am I having lunch, I think I know how a pet feels now who has a good pet owner, I get the same thing every day for every meal, I have to admit I am not hungry so what more can you ask for. I have the same schedule, wake up and Patty has my breakfast ready, the exact same thing I had the day before, get up shave not much to shave since I have lost all of my whisker’s except for my sideburns, Patty cleans the area around where my feeding tube goes into my stomach. If it is chemo day I take the drugs for chemo, if not then straight to my chair and watch TV and wait for 10:15 at which time I go to radiation, we are home by 11:30 or so and lunch. I have the same thing as breakfast. On Chemo days at 1:00 we go to go chemo, Patty drops me off and I call about 30 minutes before I am done and she comes and picks me up and then home for the night.
Now the good part comes dinner, I can’t wait for dinner I just know it is going to be the best, wait oh my can it be? No it is just like all the other meals, did I tell you it is filling? Somewhere between 7 and 8 we walk, Patty trying to limit how far we go, me pushing to go farther. I told you it is kind of like a dog’s life, the only difference sometimes I go by myself and then I go and go and then go home. Patty worries about me pushing myself to hard and I worry about not pushing myself hard enough. Her problem is she thinks like woman and a caregiver. She thinks my problem is I think like a man. Imagine that a woman thinking different from a man, some things never change.
Please do not think I am treated like a pet, but it seemed funny to me when I draw all the comparisons and they don’t like to leave me alone too much. Seriously one day our Krista, Justin, Madison, Logan and Landon came by and Patty was out to dinner with her sister Sandy. Now Madison is 6 and when they were getting ready to leave she told me and her mom and dad that her daddy was not leaving and he would stay until Patty and her Granny got back, She calls me Buddy and I had to tell her Buddy doesn’t need a babysitter, her daddy left with her and the family but she made sure Patty got an ear full, it was sweet coming from a 6 year old, what can I say, it is dog’s life.
November 4th is 7 days from now, if I can vote so can you, be well. I still choose to Fight on.
Michael
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Cancer Thoughts 13
Joseph Fort Newton said “We cannot tell what may happen to us in the strange medley of life. But we can decide what happens in us, how we take it, what we do with it-and that is what really counts in the end”.
My stepson Rick loaned me a book of quotations entitle “be the difference”, he gave this to me after he found out I have cancer and I know this is a special book to him, as his mother gave it to him when he was going through a personal crisis. I read this book daily and always seem to find inspiration and things to think about when I read it.
After reading the quote by Newton, it occurred to me, that writing and journaling is my attempt to make the decision to not let cancer define me. I recently heard Christina Applegate say “I am not a victim”; now in the last two months I can not count the number of times I have said that to someone, and I will say it again I am not a victim, I will not be victim.
Life is to short, I have been given a 5 month time out and I am 2 months into it, cancer may have its way me right now, and if cancer was a person it would be taunting me, telling me you think I am bad well look what your two best friends chemo and radiation is doing to you. I just made you sick they are doing there best to kill you. No cancer they are killing you and no matter how bad it seems we are winning and you are loosing, one day, one cell at a time.
I know I am not the first person to go through this, and I refuse to fight this battle silently. This is personal I can not be quite, I will not be quite.
It has become my personal mission, to make cancer personal to let others know they are not a victim, they must speak out. Everyone knows someone who has cancer, but you don’t really know them, everyone talks about cancer, about find a cure, pink ribbons, breast cancer and fight against cancer.
The first day, Patty and I found out, I told Patty, I don’t want to talk to anyone, no phone calls, no visitors, don’t talk to me about this. But then a few days latter I knew that would not be possible for me to hide from this, I had to talk about it to share my fears, to share my experiences, and I think that one decision has made this battle easier, Patty and I are not alone we are all in this battle and I know you are all in it with me. During this process my life is an open book, I do not want to hide from this, but to share it, expose the good, the bad and the pain. It all goes into who I am I will not let cancer define who I am, it will have a roll, but where and when I can I will be the leader. I will be my own best friend, I will follow my treatment plan and if I fail it will not be because I didn’t try. I eat well 2000 Calories a day, you can do the math 250 calories of well balance nutrition in each can, three in the morning, three in the afternoon and two at night 8 cans x 250 calories = 2000 calories, add water, sit back in the recliner and relax and watch as it disappears down the feeding tube into my stomach, eating to live not living to eat. Add water, an hour a day of exercise, you may call it a slow walk I call it exercise. Shower, shave each day and be on time for all of my appointments, I have never missed a treatment unless a doctor said no not today.
They want me to drink water through the mouth, but that extremely hard to do, a sip of water is hard to swallow and the pills are almost impossible and they are very small, if there anything I can try harder at swallowing the water. It is easy to get lazy even with this, it is so much easier to just pour the bottle of water down my feeding tube into my stomach and no pain involved. I like it when pain is optional and not mandatory, what I need to learn to do it get tough and go with the pain a little more.
It is 5:30AM and I am going for a walk, I am not sure what the day has in store for me, but I am getting off on a good start, I am beating the sun up and will be outside to say good morning when it arrives.
I still choose to Fight On.
Michael
My stepson Rick loaned me a book of quotations entitle “be the difference”, he gave this to me after he found out I have cancer and I know this is a special book to him, as his mother gave it to him when he was going through a personal crisis. I read this book daily and always seem to find inspiration and things to think about when I read it.
After reading the quote by Newton, it occurred to me, that writing and journaling is my attempt to make the decision to not let cancer define me. I recently heard Christina Applegate say “I am not a victim”; now in the last two months I can not count the number of times I have said that to someone, and I will say it again I am not a victim, I will not be victim.
Life is to short, I have been given a 5 month time out and I am 2 months into it, cancer may have its way me right now, and if cancer was a person it would be taunting me, telling me you think I am bad well look what your two best friends chemo and radiation is doing to you. I just made you sick they are doing there best to kill you. No cancer they are killing you and no matter how bad it seems we are winning and you are loosing, one day, one cell at a time.
I know I am not the first person to go through this, and I refuse to fight this battle silently. This is personal I can not be quite, I will not be quite.
It has become my personal mission, to make cancer personal to let others know they are not a victim, they must speak out. Everyone knows someone who has cancer, but you don’t really know them, everyone talks about cancer, about find a cure, pink ribbons, breast cancer and fight against cancer.
The first day, Patty and I found out, I told Patty, I don’t want to talk to anyone, no phone calls, no visitors, don’t talk to me about this. But then a few days latter I knew that would not be possible for me to hide from this, I had to talk about it to share my fears, to share my experiences, and I think that one decision has made this battle easier, Patty and I are not alone we are all in this battle and I know you are all in it with me. During this process my life is an open book, I do not want to hide from this, but to share it, expose the good, the bad and the pain. It all goes into who I am I will not let cancer define who I am, it will have a roll, but where and when I can I will be the leader. I will be my own best friend, I will follow my treatment plan and if I fail it will not be because I didn’t try. I eat well 2000 Calories a day, you can do the math 250 calories of well balance nutrition in each can, three in the morning, three in the afternoon and two at night 8 cans x 250 calories = 2000 calories, add water, sit back in the recliner and relax and watch as it disappears down the feeding tube into my stomach, eating to live not living to eat. Add water, an hour a day of exercise, you may call it a slow walk I call it exercise. Shower, shave each day and be on time for all of my appointments, I have never missed a treatment unless a doctor said no not today.
They want me to drink water through the mouth, but that extremely hard to do, a sip of water is hard to swallow and the pills are almost impossible and they are very small, if there anything I can try harder at swallowing the water. It is easy to get lazy even with this, it is so much easier to just pour the bottle of water down my feeding tube into my stomach and no pain involved. I like it when pain is optional and not mandatory, what I need to learn to do it get tough and go with the pain a little more.
It is 5:30AM and I am going for a walk, I am not sure what the day has in store for me, but I am getting off on a good start, I am beating the sun up and will be outside to say good morning when it arrives.
I still choose to Fight On.
Michael
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Cancer Thoughts 12
What is the face of Cancer? Is it the little kid whose chemo therapy has robbed him of his hair and his youth? Is it that of the young mother fighting breast cancer whose only concern is what is going to happen to my children? Or is it the father holding his daughters hand, praying that he can make it long enough to walk her down the isle? Is it you? Is it me? It is all of this and more.
My favorite 6 year old Madison Murr likes to use the word hideous and when she does, it is funny and a crack up. How is it that a word like hideous make us laugh and cancer makes us cry?
I am so angry at everything not all the time just some of the time. I want to go hang out and do stuff but I can’t, I can’t fix anything, I want to drive and go places and walk down the isles of Costco and buy stuff I don’t need, but I can’t, well if my wife drives me and make me promise to ride in one of those motorized carts she will take me, but that is like shopping with your mom, sorry moms but when your 55 and want to shop by yourself having your mom take you is no fun. Energy is only given to me by drugs, I can not eat, and I can not drink. I love going to lunch with my friends and I can not do that. My teeth feel like a bed of nails and every time my tongue touches one of them it jabs my tongue like a nail. I am so tired of this. If I take enough pain medication then it doesn’t hurt as much, but then I can’t concentrate, I can not write, I can’t get it out how I feel. I can not put my feelings and thoughts in to words.
I walk at night when the sun is not up, I miss the sun. One of the last good long walks I took was to Seal Beach along the river bed that has a channel full of ocean water that leads from our track right into Seal Beach and the Pacific Ocean. It was a Saturday morning and there was a Seal swimming back out to the ocean he or she was playing making noise, it was so cool I love walking along that river bed and cancer has robbed me of that.
OK enough negative stuff, I had chemo on yesterday and today I feel wonderful, life it good, I am hoping I still feel this good after radiation today. If so then I have some big plans like cleaning out my drawers and closet, whoop pee now that sounds like a big day, not as good as good as shopping at Costco with my mom I mean wife, but it will have to do.
I spoke to a friend of mine Bob Dearing and he reminded me that is says in bible that God would give me the strength to endure and to trust in god and even though he slays me I can trust him. When this all started Patty and I went to our priest Father Bob and I was so afraid of the radiation and I ask him what prayer could say that would help me relax when I am strapped in and get through it without so much panic? He said why you don’t try what I say, I trust in you God, the same advice one from a Baptist and a Catholic. How about that? Radiation is no big deal now, at least not while I am getting it, I am very comfortable on the table and trust in the radiation techs as well, they are good at what they do.
It is the Ray’s and Phillies in the world series, Cub fans are now all gone, The California contingent is swinging it support to the Phillies in protest of the Rays band wagon fans, 13,000 in the park a month ago and all of there Ray’s gear is new, what this sad day in baseball land, we are left with no other move than to root for the Phillies. I will say I do like the manager of the Rays I have glasses like his but now I am rethinking my glasses and may have to go to a new style.
November 4th is coming remember to vote, I for one will.
Wednesday, October 22nd 2008 as always I choose to Fight On.
Michael
My favorite 6 year old Madison Murr likes to use the word hideous and when she does, it is funny and a crack up. How is it that a word like hideous make us laugh and cancer makes us cry?
I am so angry at everything not all the time just some of the time. I want to go hang out and do stuff but I can’t, I can’t fix anything, I want to drive and go places and walk down the isles of Costco and buy stuff I don’t need, but I can’t, well if my wife drives me and make me promise to ride in one of those motorized carts she will take me, but that is like shopping with your mom, sorry moms but when your 55 and want to shop by yourself having your mom take you is no fun. Energy is only given to me by drugs, I can not eat, and I can not drink. I love going to lunch with my friends and I can not do that. My teeth feel like a bed of nails and every time my tongue touches one of them it jabs my tongue like a nail. I am so tired of this. If I take enough pain medication then it doesn’t hurt as much, but then I can’t concentrate, I can not write, I can’t get it out how I feel. I can not put my feelings and thoughts in to words.
I walk at night when the sun is not up, I miss the sun. One of the last good long walks I took was to Seal Beach along the river bed that has a channel full of ocean water that leads from our track right into Seal Beach and the Pacific Ocean. It was a Saturday morning and there was a Seal swimming back out to the ocean he or she was playing making noise, it was so cool I love walking along that river bed and cancer has robbed me of that.
OK enough negative stuff, I had chemo on yesterday and today I feel wonderful, life it good, I am hoping I still feel this good after radiation today. If so then I have some big plans like cleaning out my drawers and closet, whoop pee now that sounds like a big day, not as good as good as shopping at Costco with my mom I mean wife, but it will have to do.
I spoke to a friend of mine Bob Dearing and he reminded me that is says in bible that God would give me the strength to endure and to trust in god and even though he slays me I can trust him. When this all started Patty and I went to our priest Father Bob and I was so afraid of the radiation and I ask him what prayer could say that would help me relax when I am strapped in and get through it without so much panic? He said why you don’t try what I say, I trust in you God, the same advice one from a Baptist and a Catholic. How about that? Radiation is no big deal now, at least not while I am getting it, I am very comfortable on the table and trust in the radiation techs as well, they are good at what they do.
It is the Ray’s and Phillies in the world series, Cub fans are now all gone, The California contingent is swinging it support to the Phillies in protest of the Rays band wagon fans, 13,000 in the park a month ago and all of there Ray’s gear is new, what this sad day in baseball land, we are left with no other move than to root for the Phillies. I will say I do like the manager of the Rays I have glasses like his but now I am rethinking my glasses and may have to go to a new style.
November 4th is coming remember to vote, I for one will.
Wednesday, October 22nd 2008 as always I choose to Fight On.
Michael
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Cancer Thoughts 11
My oncologist put me on the Fentanyl patch today; when Patty and I first went to the oncologist he promised they would not leave me in pain, he didn’t say anything about me being opioid dependent after this is all over. Knowing what I do about my Doctors and since one doctor recommended it and another prescribed it, I have to believe that it the correct thing. The last few days have been fairly easy, my tongue still hurts as the patch takes 14 hours to start kicking in but once it does, I think of it is an E Ticket ride.
Fentanyl is one of the most powerful opioid analgesics with a potency approximately 81 times that of morphine. It is also a highly abused drug, as a result being categorized as a Schedule II drug in the United States.
Mark Twain said “Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place”. There is really no humor in this disease but having a sense of humor and a wife whose sense of humor is one of her best assets, when she laughs people laugh, her laugh is infectious and that is one of the things that keeps me going.
I am so worried about becoming some drugged out old hippie who counts the hours until I get the new patch, or the next what ever, but of course I will tell you the pain is real, very real and the balance will be a challenge.
I want to write all of this down so when someone else goes through this, maybe they can find it and read about the human side of this. Nothing has prepared me for all of this and I have read books, literature from the doctors. I actually read those long things that come inside the prescriptions and make Patty sit and listen while I do it. I have read Chemo and Radiation for Dummy’s, 100 questions about head and neck cancer. I have read so much I can communicate with the doctors and understand why the decisions are being made and how. For now I am done reading about treatment. It is time to focus on recovery and prevention; this will be my next reading assignments I hope my mind will be clear enough to take it all in.
It has been a week of no treatment, but we actually spent a lot time with my entire set of oncologist this week, including my surgeon. One thing I did l learn is that Surgery is not the easy way out in fact the pain of the recovery from the surgery is as bad or mare painful than radiation, everyone talks about chemo being bad but for me it seems like the radiation is what is wearing me out, although my radiation is scheduled for 8 weeks and the chemo 6 weeks. I ask my medial oncologist about this and he said I would only get the week 7 and 8 chemo if I could handle it, like he knows what he is talking about, LOL. I get chemo this Tuesday so we will see how I do after that.
November 4th 2008 is the general election I have chemo and radiation that day and I plan on voting I hope you do to. Please vote, let’s make this the biggest turn out ever. I do not care who you vote for, what proposition or cause you’re interested in and please do not turn this into a political debate, just vote. Please do not make me regret asking you to vote and use a reply to this as a way get your political point of view out there. Thank for understanding and thanks for voting.
Congratulations to the Phillies go Sox as always be well and I choose to Fight ON.
Michael
Fentanyl is one of the most powerful opioid analgesics with a potency approximately 81 times that of morphine. It is also a highly abused drug, as a result being categorized as a Schedule II drug in the United States.
Mark Twain said “Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place”. There is really no humor in this disease but having a sense of humor and a wife whose sense of humor is one of her best assets, when she laughs people laugh, her laugh is infectious and that is one of the things that keeps me going.
I am so worried about becoming some drugged out old hippie who counts the hours until I get the new patch, or the next what ever, but of course I will tell you the pain is real, very real and the balance will be a challenge.
I want to write all of this down so when someone else goes through this, maybe they can find it and read about the human side of this. Nothing has prepared me for all of this and I have read books, literature from the doctors. I actually read those long things that come inside the prescriptions and make Patty sit and listen while I do it. I have read Chemo and Radiation for Dummy’s, 100 questions about head and neck cancer. I have read so much I can communicate with the doctors and understand why the decisions are being made and how. For now I am done reading about treatment. It is time to focus on recovery and prevention; this will be my next reading assignments I hope my mind will be clear enough to take it all in.
It has been a week of no treatment, but we actually spent a lot time with my entire set of oncologist this week, including my surgeon. One thing I did l learn is that Surgery is not the easy way out in fact the pain of the recovery from the surgery is as bad or mare painful than radiation, everyone talks about chemo being bad but for me it seems like the radiation is what is wearing me out, although my radiation is scheduled for 8 weeks and the chemo 6 weeks. I ask my medial oncologist about this and he said I would only get the week 7 and 8 chemo if I could handle it, like he knows what he is talking about, LOL. I get chemo this Tuesday so we will see how I do after that.
November 4th 2008 is the general election I have chemo and radiation that day and I plan on voting I hope you do to. Please vote, let’s make this the biggest turn out ever. I do not care who you vote for, what proposition or cause you’re interested in and please do not turn this into a political debate, just vote. Please do not make me regret asking you to vote and use a reply to this as a way get your political point of view out there. Thank for understanding and thanks for voting.
Congratulations to the Phillies go Sox as always be well and I choose to Fight ON.
Michael
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Cancer Thoughts 10
Saturday, October 11th Today is a good day, I feel as normal as possible given the circumstances. My mouth is dry as usual, my lips are chapped and I have not had to medicate to control the pain in my mouth since about 4 AM and it is 9:30 AM so that is very good. My head is clear, I had a good nights sleep and it is College Football Saturday. The night before and the day of chemo I am given Dexamethasone which wikipedia gives the following information “a potent synthetic member of the glucocorticoid class of steroid hormones. It acts as an anti-inflammatory and immunosuppressant. Its potency is about 20-30 times that of hydrocortisone and 4-5 times of prednisone.”
The problem comes when the Dexamethasone wears off and that is when the crash comes. Which could be anytime but who knows. I have learned that how I feel in the mornings has nothing to do with how I will fell in the afternoon or night. But for now I am as normal as I can be.
Monday, October 13th the crash has come I am tired; everything hurts especially my mouth and tongue. Patty and I tried to walk to tonight and I didn’t make it very far about 100 yards round trip, will try to do better tomorrow. Radiation was uneventful and I sleep a good part of the day.
Tuesday, October 14 My mouth and tongue hurt so much I had Patty call and make an appointment with the dental Oncologist and then we went to radiation, I ask to see the doctor he did the normal stuff put on his gloves and his high tech light grabbed a tongue suppressor and ask me to open up, took one look at my tongue and then said “Well we don’t need this” and put the tongue suppressor and other stuff down and told me or what I heard him say was he was stopping treatment, what he meant was for the week, what I heard was just stopping treatment. As usual Patty was there to get me off the wall. I have a week of no radiation and rest which my body needs.
The Dental oncologist spent a lot time talking to us and going over everything including my medication, gave us some recommendations to talk to the medial oncologist about, made sure Patty wrote everything down and had the spelling correct. His name is Dr. Nelson Lowe he is simply the best, he is USC grad and as he is going through all of this with us he says “you know worst part of this? What happened in Oregon? We laughed and I was able to relax and settle down a bit, Patty and me both think not only is he a wonderful doctor but a great man.
Thank you to everyone who has sent me cards, Emails, flowers and prayers. They all are great one Email from my friends mom who I have never met prior to her sending me an Email, her name is Phyllis Varipapa, Phyllis told me “please don't give up, Keep the faith and persevere” Phyllis if you can take the time out to write; I promise to never give up and with faith I will always persevere.
Thanks to everyone, be well I still choose to Fight On.
Michael
The problem comes when the Dexamethasone wears off and that is when the crash comes. Which could be anytime but who knows. I have learned that how I feel in the mornings has nothing to do with how I will fell in the afternoon or night. But for now I am as normal as I can be.
Monday, October 13th the crash has come I am tired; everything hurts especially my mouth and tongue. Patty and I tried to walk to tonight and I didn’t make it very far about 100 yards round trip, will try to do better tomorrow. Radiation was uneventful and I sleep a good part of the day.
Tuesday, October 14 My mouth and tongue hurt so much I had Patty call and make an appointment with the dental Oncologist and then we went to radiation, I ask to see the doctor he did the normal stuff put on his gloves and his high tech light grabbed a tongue suppressor and ask me to open up, took one look at my tongue and then said “Well we don’t need this” and put the tongue suppressor and other stuff down and told me or what I heard him say was he was stopping treatment, what he meant was for the week, what I heard was just stopping treatment. As usual Patty was there to get me off the wall. I have a week of no radiation and rest which my body needs.
The Dental oncologist spent a lot time talking to us and going over everything including my medication, gave us some recommendations to talk to the medial oncologist about, made sure Patty wrote everything down and had the spelling correct. His name is Dr. Nelson Lowe he is simply the best, he is USC grad and as he is going through all of this with us he says “you know worst part of this? What happened in Oregon? We laughed and I was able to relax and settle down a bit, Patty and me both think not only is he a wonderful doctor but a great man.
Thank you to everyone who has sent me cards, Emails, flowers and prayers. They all are great one Email from my friends mom who I have never met prior to her sending me an Email, her name is Phyllis Varipapa, Phyllis told me “please don't give up, Keep the faith and persevere” Phyllis if you can take the time out to write; I promise to never give up and with faith I will always persevere.
Thanks to everyone, be well I still choose to Fight On.
Michael
Friday, October 10, 2008
Cancer Thoughs 9
The radiation has damaged my mouth and tongue to the point I can no longer eat. The feeding tube is how I receive all of my food. I am very lucky the doctors insisted on me having it prior to the treatment starting. Thursday morning I was able to eat my standard scrambled eggs and cottage cheese, by lunch eating caused so much pain in my tongue and swallowing was impossible. Patty then tried mashed potatoes for dinner and I could not even get that down. So we simplified the process and used the feeding tube. Of course I still have a fair sense of smell and that is what is so frustrating smelling food you know that used to taste so good and not being able to taste or eat it. To find a silver lining in this, the health experts say you should eat to live not live to eat. I for one have always chosen the later but now eat to live.
The feeding tube is simple, no taste but I do get full. My nutrition comes from a product called Jevity each can is 250 calories and I will be having 2 cans for each meal, which along with 2 bottles of vitamin water will give me 1750 calories for the day. What I noticed today is an hour after the feeding I felt full so the product does it job and will enable me to keep up my strength and continue my treatment.
Chemo was a challenge yesterday, when the nurse first started the Taxotere I had an allergic reaction, my face got very hot, I threw up but the nurse handled it like a pro she quickly stopped the Taxotere, give me a shot a Benadryl and an IV after that I was fine. She then restarted the Taxotere at a slower rate and I was able to finish the Chemo.
I have already had my radiation today, so nothing to do as far as treatment until Monday. I am tired but am hoping I can stay awake long enough to finish watching the end of the Dodgers, Phillies game. The Phillies won last night but we were in the game and all we need to do is win one in Philadelphia and then bring it home and finish it there. I am hoping all the cub fans are rooting for the Phillies that should be all we need to put us over the top.
I now have to take 2 different pain medications for my mouth, which both are heavy narcotics, I like the fact that it lets me at least have some comfort in my mouth, but it also make me tired and drugged out and that I do not like, it hurts to talk sometimes and my voice is changing. With all this I am quite as well. My personality is changing outwardly but inside I am still the same. This is just something I have to get through and with the help of my wife, family and friends, I will.
Patty, I promise you this is just temporary. I won’t always sleep all day and be sad. I am so sorry for what I am putting you through. I feel you do not have anyone to hold you up, like you have been doing for me. Without you I am not sure how I would get through this. Everyone is so worried about me and I wish you could get out more and do something for yourself instead of having to do everything for me. I love you more than you will ever know and thank you for all you do for me, it does not go unnoticed and I know I am not always nice right now. You are the light of my life and becoming a good husband who participates in this marriage is my goal and keeps me going, I know the best thing I can do for you is to be a good patient, do what the doctors tell me to and get well. Of course when they stop filling me full of radiation and chemo drugs that will happen and with Gods help the cancer will be gone. Patty you make it all tolerable and I love you with all my heart.
I still choose to fight on, be well.
Michael
The feeding tube is simple, no taste but I do get full. My nutrition comes from a product called Jevity each can is 250 calories and I will be having 2 cans for each meal, which along with 2 bottles of vitamin water will give me 1750 calories for the day. What I noticed today is an hour after the feeding I felt full so the product does it job and will enable me to keep up my strength and continue my treatment.
Chemo was a challenge yesterday, when the nurse first started the Taxotere I had an allergic reaction, my face got very hot, I threw up but the nurse handled it like a pro she quickly stopped the Taxotere, give me a shot a Benadryl and an IV after that I was fine. She then restarted the Taxotere at a slower rate and I was able to finish the Chemo.
I have already had my radiation today, so nothing to do as far as treatment until Monday. I am tired but am hoping I can stay awake long enough to finish watching the end of the Dodgers, Phillies game. The Phillies won last night but we were in the game and all we need to do is win one in Philadelphia and then bring it home and finish it there. I am hoping all the cub fans are rooting for the Phillies that should be all we need to put us over the top.
I now have to take 2 different pain medications for my mouth, which both are heavy narcotics, I like the fact that it lets me at least have some comfort in my mouth, but it also make me tired and drugged out and that I do not like, it hurts to talk sometimes and my voice is changing. With all this I am quite as well. My personality is changing outwardly but inside I am still the same. This is just something I have to get through and with the help of my wife, family and friends, I will.
Patty, I promise you this is just temporary. I won’t always sleep all day and be sad. I am so sorry for what I am putting you through. I feel you do not have anyone to hold you up, like you have been doing for me. Without you I am not sure how I would get through this. Everyone is so worried about me and I wish you could get out more and do something for yourself instead of having to do everything for me. I love you more than you will ever know and thank you for all you do for me, it does not go unnoticed and I know I am not always nice right now. You are the light of my life and becoming a good husband who participates in this marriage is my goal and keeps me going, I know the best thing I can do for you is to be a good patient, do what the doctors tell me to and get well. Of course when they stop filling me full of radiation and chemo drugs that will happen and with Gods help the cancer will be gone. Patty you make it all tolerable and I love you with all my heart.
I still choose to fight on, be well.
Michael
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